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I was expecting my second due in March 2020. I would have been 18wks along as I write this.
This is my 2nd time miscarrying- but this time was a missed miscarriage (A missed miscarriage happens when the embryo has died, but your body hasn't expelled it yet. It’s also called a silent miscarriage—and for good reason: You won't experience the common miscarriage symptoms of cramping or bleeding. Instead, you'll find out you've had a miscarriage once you lie down for an ultrasound and there's no fetal heartbeat )
So I carried my baby without a heartbeat for weeks and then found out Monday at my first ultrasound/so had time to prepare before my body naturally started the birthing process on it's own- I personally feel and believe in reincarnation and that this is the same soul making their presence known to me, big lessons. So getting to SEE them on this earth as a human was just wild and so amazing. As much as I know magic, the miracle of life on this planet still astonishes me in every way.
I didn't think I would be so ready, but it happened just like labor does and it was MY baby.
Fetal ejection reflex!
So divine. Such a blur but filled with instincts and unconditional love, like all of motherhood. But the memory is crystal clear in my heart.
I took lots of pictures.
Learning through all of the ways I can better support others through this dimensional transition of loss. Remembering that the past and future are all in the now and eternity wraps around us like a blanket as my babies soul and my gigantic soul family embrace me with love and support, all of us. It makes it a lot easier to endure, believing in this ultimate connection. Takes away the sting of the seemingly isolating immediate surroundings.
Reflecting now, I feel more numb where as I was excited, relieved, blessed at the time and now...I feel the empty realization that the timeline I envisioned is not where I am living right now, my belly is not growing, my menstrual flow is back in sequence and as I type, it leaves me here, bleeding.... without my baby and I almost cant believe I was pregnant....
I never wanted to know this side of the portal; I stayed afraid and within unrealistic expectations, that life is gentle, perfect. I continue to learn that natural doesn't mean fair and it doesn't make it right.
Let's go back to the beginning......
WOMBMOTHER BRITTNEYS LOSS STORY
I took a red dye test July 12th 2019, Knowing I could have conceived June 14th-16th;
It was immediately SOLID POSITIVE and sure enough I was pregnant but still in shock!
Part of me knew (Considering I 'thought' I missed my period but was not even tracking because the month got so busy and then- I just didn't buy tampons because I didn't want to waste the money "just incase")
So about a week after my supposed missed period, I took a test and sure enough!
Around the same time last year I also conceived and experienced what I believe was a chemical pregnancy, around 4wks gestation, a couple of days after my period was due I began passing the womb cleansing tissues and blood and my HCG dropped. This was a very traumatic and FAST loss that took a huge toll on my body and mind.
This time was much different.
It was unexpected, unplanned but we were so excited.
Koko; my toddler was filled with connection to my belly and this growing part of our family- he would rub and kiss my belly and hold me while we fell asleep, it became a routine so natural; he wouldn't say a word, he would just lift my shirt and wrap his arm around my belly. then peacefully fall asleep.
I went through the ups and downs of excitement, disbelief and fear; the general amplified thoughts and feelings of pregnancy after loss...my thoughts were consumed with the what ifs...I almost thought maybe that was why....because I was so scared, pessimistic...
I had some light cramping and was beyond exhausted and filled with valid pregnancy symptoms, throwing up, heightened senses, exhaustion, lactation changes. I paid out of pocket for my HCG level testing and they were on the RISE at 7wks gestation.
I reached that time, where I surpassed my last loss and made it passed 4,5,6,7 weeks.....
"WOW.....maybe my body can do this" I thought.
But then, came the light cramping, the light back ache.....
and brown mucous plug filled discharge.
I put myself on bedrest before I could get into be seen for reassurance or answers, there was no blood, no severe pain, no emergency or true signs other than potential missed miscarriage and I stayed in this realm of disbelief that things could be ok.
Life seemed haywire at the time anyways, my partner ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung when I was around 5wks gestation; What all seemed like unfair back to back obstacles kept meeting me face to face were actually preparing me for what was to come-so our first ultrasound was supposed to hopefully be our light at the end of that wild dark tunnel we had just traveled....
To be met yet again with life's fragile example that sometimes.....
All you can do is be gentle, be love and treat every moment as a ritual.
The moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted to be seen by a professional to make sure everything was ok and was going to be ok...I did not have insurance established at the time so getting in somewhere that could competently provide me the reassurance or guidance I desired and was in need of was made to be more difficult than not.
I fought to be seen under my high risk circumstances unknowingly and was able to make an appt with ultrasound included based on my history and symptoms.
The day after my partner was released from the hospital after his second surgery within a month, I had my appt scheduled and we all went as a family; I laid there waiting for the doppler to reach my tummy and search for my new babies proof of life..
The OB searched...
and gracefully then said... "Let's go over here and check out what we can see.."
In that moment I knew.
I think all along I just knew.
I Prepare people to conceive as a passionate career and I can honestly say I was not preparing nor was my mind/body near prepared in the way that I would ever desire it to be...
He turned the screen towards me and turned on the machine, he found my baby right away!
"Well, there is your baby.."
He gets mutiple angles and images and holds it nice and still to WATCH, I am asking multiple questions up until he just stops so I could watch, I said "There is no flicker, there is no movement, no heartbeat".
He held space, he didn't call it what we knew it was, he held space.
But I knew..
He told me to come back in a week....to check again and make sure.
My partner was holding my hand, I stared at the ceiling and tears fell.
A million and ten things soared through my mind.
Why does my uterus look like that? Adenomyosis?
Why won't the OB answer my questions? What did I do wrong this time? Is it my hormones and my uterus combined? They look like a little gummy bear....
I grew a BABY.
Why the FUCK is this happening?
What could I have done?
On the ride home, we drove through a portal.
All of our plans, of future, our expectations, flashed before our eyes and it was all different now, the same again...
I called my bestfriend when I got home and cried some more, discussed my options and what to prepare for, the more I embraced the reality of what was, the more i began to cramp and the more the brown discharge picked up some
I decided to go within myself over the following week as I waited and allow myself to give my body permission to open and release, I got the products and support tools needed, I went between acceptance and then feeling like I could revive my baby and pregnancy with some magical power within me.
I researched in Miscarriage support groups others direct experiences at this gestation and exactly what to expect and how to prepare for what was about to be the birth of my baby.
A huge part of why I want to share my story in such a raw and vulnerable way is to give others permission and inspiration to love, embrace, birth and share their loss experience. A D&C is not the only option, waiting is possible and often the less traumatic way. We so often experience loss in the dark, in isolation, we feel others could not possibly understand or our hurt is a burden. Most of all the failed expectations make us feel like a failure but we ARE NOT A FAILURE.
Miscarriage and Infant loss is unfortunately SO common and the more we hold eachother through each realm of these common experiences the more we bridge the gaps of connection in this world, the more we find answers, the less we feel alone.
The following will be a raw and real look into my miscarriage experience at 10wks, please continue at your own discretion.
My ultrasound was on Monday and I was supposed to be 10wks but baby meassured 7-8wks, it was not until Friday that my Baby was born. naturally at home on the toilet- I went back to receive another Ultrasound on the following Monday to confirm and make sure everything was passing correctly.
On Thursday I decided to begin natural measures of supporting my body and the brown discharge slowly turned to red through out the night. When I woke Friday morning I knew it would be the day.
I told my babies soul that I wanted this to experience this in the safest and most efficient way; a birth and I was ready.
The contractions picked up through out the day, the blood became like a period when I would wipe with mucous plug mixed in.
Around 7pm friday night I was in active labor, dancing around my living room and kitchen with my headphones in listening to the album you hear right here now.
I talked myself and my partner through each phase, its fun understanding the process compared to my first birth-I remember him asking me if I was sure....
"I am sure, this is labor, I am in active labor and transitioning, I am kind of freaking out a little"
I was swaying around the living room and it hit me like a wave crashing down and this was it, I don't even remember the walk to the bathroom but next, I was on the toilet.
I felt scared, I started questioning myself within, thinking I cant do this, that maybe I am not even in labor (LOL), that maybe I just need to go to the ER, I felt scared for what might come after.... and suddenly...like a firework in the middle of the night, POP! Shot out my baby and placenta onto the toilet paper platform I created in the toilet.
Like a primal animal without question I hopped up and turned around squatting next to the toilet gently as I could, scooping up their tiny body on this wet piece of toilet paper, analyzing, in shock and complete excitement with relief.
I immediately began taking pictures. Touching my baby. Showing my partner.
I had not yet planned out how I was going to honor their body because I was in such an in between state of acceptance and disbelief.
Prior to the birth there was not much blood, but like the sweet wombsisters who have experienced loss before me at this gestation, the blood came after the birth, oh did it come.
I did not tell my toddler, but he seemed to make since of the blood and my experience, he told me "The baby went home, but they will be back".
My baby, to my unexpected shock, began to decompose very quickly so I was moved to create their bed of honor as fast as I possibly could, while my flow became heavier and heavier: I melted down Candelilla Wax over my stove, prepared some herbs, continued taking all of the pictures I could....I gently cut around my babies body that was divinely decomposing into the toilet paper I moved them to. I placed them into the hardening wax and surrounded my baby with chamomile and lavender.
I just could not bring myself, to let go. Why should I have to.
I finally met them, after my second pregnancy and first loss I felt disconnected with my body and my future baby; this was reassurance I felt so blessed to receive. They are REAL.
So their bed of eternal honor rests in my home and will stay with me forever, what a wild way to one day honor their full journey into this earthly realm, when they hopefully make it here in the future to stay and grow with me as I am properly preparing for.
You may view my uncensored Birth and BabyLoss images below at your own discretion.
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If you have a pregnancy or childloss story you would like to share please email: Thepositivepregnancyjourney@gmail.com
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